Closed -> Open Book = Singlehood

New Year, new chapter. New life. Everything old feels like new again to me. Most specially this singlehood thing I’m dealing right now. A lot has changed from moving on, to accepting the fact that my ex has someone new, and finally from being fully recovered from all these emotional catastrophe of ending the relationship in my own terms and in my own preferred time. I only determined that I’m already at the end of it when I’m starting not to think of him from every hour, to everyday, to every week… a month till he became someone that I used to know.

Being single has its own pros and cons. You get to know a lot of people who can appreciate you inside-out. Go to places without having any curfew or any fucking conscience of anything you might do. All I can always think of is that I am only responsible to myself. Am I enjoying it? Well yes! But too much of it is an unexpected sucker. So this is where I began to realize that I should start limiting the people around me to myself. I can’t afford to be everywhere. I can only handle as much demands. Learn to say no is hard to think at first but with a firm decision, it’s manageable. I can’t please anyone, that’s one thing I have validated. And yes, I will stay being straight forward which sometimes can hurt other’s feelings towards me but I can’t afford to lose the grip of firmness in me.

The difference of being single from having a partner is like driving a car. Having your other half, sometimes, you need not to be in the driver seat and just stay at the passenger’s side. You can depend on your partner or you can dictate where both of you will go. While being single, you need to drive your own car/life which you may see some obstacles along the way that only you will decide which path you’re going to take. So that’s why we need to be more focused when we’re single as no one will really contradict on the things that we want. It’s just that we should really know what we really want. Again, focus.

So upon declaring my singlehood, this doesn’t mean that I’m opening myself out in the market. Yes, I’m single. But I’m not available. After all the distractions, I finally know what I want. And I’ll focus on it for now.

Refurbish Life

The day the Mayans/Nostradamus etc. have predicted the end of the world which is December 21, 2012, is when I ended most of the negative aspects of my life. Yes, I killed it by force! As I’m not liking the smog-like fumes of unconstructiveness that I’ve been inhaling which clouds the silver lining I’m trying to hold. The dose of my medicine which I’m prescribing to my friends still works on me which is setting a deadline that will lead you either to a good or bad, a yes or no decision.  I told myself that if ever this “End of the World” will occur, at least I have learned this ability to accept things that are inevitable. Yes again, for the power of “acceptance”. Thanks to a good friend who’ve introduced me to this word which I consider like more of a downer kind of drug that calms my combusting thoughts.

Gray areas of my life which is as gray as the gray sky is finally seeing tiny sunrays piercing through it little by little. I can finally say that the war is over. Confucius have already left inside my body. Though it caused too much damages such us my personal balance, my unsaved relationship with my ex-lover which I don’t regret, and my spirituality. But like other wounds, it will soon be healed and I won’t mind the scars that would remind me of my darkest hours as it will always makes me realize how I have recovered from all these things.

Am I fully recovered to the extent that I’m back to normal? I’m still under renovation of finding and opening myself to improve my life and no, I don’t want to go back being normal which might fall on these stupid obstacles again. "I am a better person now". I feel sorry for my ex who’ve doubted me when I told him about this. But then again, who could’ve blame him? After all that has happened to us, it’s better to end this roller coaster ride with him. I wish him the joy and happiness he deserves to someone else which he will never realize from now on that I can also give it to someone soon.

Moving on is such a bittersweet experience. Let’s just assure that we’re moving forward and let’s not allow ourselves to settle with someone or something less.

Emo Overload

Ok… here it goes. I’m not so sure what’s gonna come out of my mind. But something is telling me that I need to write to eject all these things that’s bugging me. Well it’s either no one can really understand what’s my current state right now or maybe it’s just me who’s making all this confusion to anyone not to understand me. I’ve had a lot of emotional heaviness on my plate right now and it’s kinda hard to look ok specially at work where we should always wear our professional mask.

Last weekend, my grandpa past away. Just months away when my granny went first. It’s a mixed emotion on how I should react. First, I really loved my old folks as they’re the ones who took good care of me. And it was so heart breaking to find out that we already lost him. Though a part of me knows that he’ll finally be with granny.  So I’m trying to put a happy plot out of my sadness.

Another thing that’s been bugging me is that I really feel that I’m the only one left in this avenue of the break-up aftermath. It’s really weird when it’s you who decided to be like this in the first place only to find out that you’re the one left hanging. I’ve been hearing good news about him. How he progress. And I can see clearly that he’s finally moving on. But instead of trying to cope up in this race-like situation, here I was still standing in the start line, wanting not to move and just look how far he’s been. Like I don’t even know if it’s the left or right foot I should step first! Is it because I want him to finish first? Or because I just don’t know how I should move forward? Or do I still treat this as a punishment for myself? Either or for whatever the reason is, I am so tired of feeling this way. I would do anything to get rid of this emotional madness.

Lastly, my self esteem is abruptly crumbling down like a landslide from a heavy rain fall. I don’t know what happened why I’m suddenly not accepting fully all the compliments that they’re throwing at me. Maybe because I still feel ugly… inside. That whenever someone says I look good today, an automatic doubt guard is rising in front of me initially saying “you’re kidding right?”. Well I know that people doesn’t necessarily have to know the whole package in order for them to say good things on what they see. So do I still think of myself that bad based on all the things I’ve done that’s why I’m like this? It’s a no brainer that I should really stop from these issues about me. But the question is how?

I just hope something… or someone can remove me out from this melancholic condition… coz it’s killing me… L

So Called Soul Searching

I'm finally here. Can't believe that I'm doing this. Travelling alone here in a gloomy Forks-like place where vampires can live called Baguio. So what am I really doing here? The initial plan was actually, this is supposed to be my get away quality time with my ex. A plan I made a month before the sudden change between us. I loved this place eversince and I booked a wonderful hotel which I dont want to go to waste that's why I risk travelling here alone. I've tried inviting some friends to accompany me but maybe due to the late notice they weren't able to make it.

I've had some major hesitations at first of pushing this plan. Thinking that this is the best place for couples to have their huggy wuggies. But I guess the urge inside me to have this big change for myself undisputedly pushed me to take a 6 hour bus ride to travel here. Like maybe it was all in the plan for me to be here. To think things thru or so called "soul searching". To be honest, I haven't had one. What I've noticed after the break up is whenever I'm alone, my mind keeps on talking inside me saying all the things and behaviours that I'm actually fed up already and an imaginary cloud that encompasses some images of what I think I want or it would make me a better individual.

Admittedly, I was so confident with myself before acting like what's the current all of me is the one that I want to bring towards the end of my life. That kept me blind to improve myself. Truly, life itself is a lifelong journey. As an accountant, maybe this is really the best time for me to assess the financial statement of my own life.

Status Check

It’s been more than a week. The situation where I am now is one of the main reason why some people are getting tired of relationship. Honestly, I am too. I have some “sink-in” moments where I need to pull myself up before I totally fall from the cliff telling myself “oh no you don’t want to be in that zone again”. Seriously, what I have realized is that, I can get him back whenever I want to. I know I have that ability. I know he’ll take me back. He even gave me a silver lining when he messaged me that all he just want is for me to realize something that he’s expecting me to do. And to be honest, I can do that. But what’s stopping me… Guess I want change that badly…

Have I moved on already? Or am I moving on? Well, No. It’s just that I put myself for now in a glass cage where I don’t want to feel that atmospheric emotion goes under my skin. I’m not ready to face it. It’s either I don’t have a better resolution yet in mind or I’m just letting this to die slowly. I’m closing this door for now. Until I have this certain calling to redeem myself that I am really capable of committing myself to someone.

I can’t believe how I’m thanking my work now for keeping my mind busy. My friends who’re being neutral about the situation after they’ve found out all the wrong things I’ve done. I really am grateful of these people who’re not taking any sides at all. A friend of mine told me that happiness is just a state of mind. Well I agree with him and all emotions are too. So right now I’m faking happiness till I start to pseudo making it until I reach the part where I can do it once again, effortlessly.

Dad’s Added Pressure

Second day… and I’ve been bombarded with loads of text and messages from friends and not so close friends/people to know what really happened. It’s quite weird because most of these people will only react or message me whenever the “single” status lights on top of my head. I began to think that it’s either (A)They truly care about with what I’m going through or (B) A perfect time to know me better because obviously I will now respond to them as I may be in badly need of someone I can talk to or lastly (C) They just want to verify with me if it’s really over so that they can hit with my ex… Honestly I kinda feel rude thinking this way but whatever their main purpose of talking to me is, I really do appreciate the effort of checking on me. If anyone of them can read this… THANK YOU!

Today I had a date… with a close friend. Sharing our own sentiments as she’s also going through a lot with her love affair. We were supposed to talk about “it”. But in the end we just end up talking about fun stuffs. After our meet up, I began to think if I’m really in pain or I’m just in the zone of the “after break up” scene why I’m feeling this. Or maybe I shouldn’t have to waste some brain cells trying to identify my current state.

So far I’m really fine. I have some answers why I agree to sign the separation contract with him. I don’t want to hurt him as he has told me. I’m also tired of the same roller coaster ride that we’re having. And some which I don’t need to publish here anymore. I don’t play  the blame game anyway. And it’s definitely over this time anyway.

Just today, my dad found out this news and this is what he said:

“Ano nangyari between you and ****? Gusto, mong mag change ng preference? Mas loyal ang babae sometimes. Masarap kasama at magaling mag care. May edad ka na, give your life a direction. Try mo lang.”

This really caught me off guard! Well what can I say… I love you dad! :D

Change for a Change

Today is the start of a new chapter. This time I decided not to announce all the things I’m going to write on this page because this time, it will be more about ME.

Social media is really crazy. I can imagine how it can really ruin someone’s life. Today I just changed my status to “single” and I can see how everyone reacts on it. So what more if it’s a famous person who’ll do this? In any case, I don’t mind and won’t mind in the future. Yes my ex… (ok I can’t believe I’m calling him that right now) is right. We both agreed to this and we don’t need to prolong this “change status” thing. As if it would make any difference. I do understand what he’s been through with me. Though I also hope that he also understood where I was coming from which was pretty much of a labyrinth of thoughts inside of me. And yes, we need to let go before we lose each other’s respect. I can’t blame people who will continuously ask what really happened but I’ll just keep my lips sealed and not to disclose anything. Guess we really made some fans out of our relationship. We both know that we wanted this and we’re cool about it.

As for me, I really need to assess myself. Letting go of this boy who is really a big catch. For almost 3 years… And yes I did let go as I just keep on hurting him. But why… … …