Ok… here it goes. I’m not so sure what’s gonna come out of my mind. But something is telling me that I need to write to eject all these things that’s bugging me. Well it’s either no one can really understand what’s my current state right now or maybe it’s just me who’s making all this confusion to anyone not to understand me. I’ve had a lot of emotional heaviness on my plate right now and it’s kinda hard to look ok specially at work where we should always wear our professional mask.
Last weekend, my grandpa past away. Just months away when my granny went first. It’s a mixed emotion on how I should react. First, I really loved my old folks as they’re the ones who took good care of me. And it was so heart breaking to find out that we already lost him. Though a part of me knows that he’ll finally be with granny. So I’m trying to put a happy plot out of my sadness.
Another thing that’s been bugging me is that I really feel that I’m the only one left in this avenue of the break-up aftermath. It’s really weird when it’s you who decided to be like this in the first place only to find out that you’re the one left hanging. I’ve been hearing good news about him. How he progress. And I can see clearly that he’s finally moving on. But instead of trying to cope up in this race-like situation, here I was still standing in the start line, wanting not to move and just look how far he’s been. Like I don’t even know if it’s the left or right foot I should step first! Is it because I want him to finish first? Or because I just don’t know how I should move forward? Or do I still treat this as a punishment for myself? Either or for whatever the reason is, I am so tired of feeling this way. I would do anything to get rid of this emotional madness.
Lastly, my self esteem is abruptly crumbling down like a landslide from a heavy rain fall. I don’t know what happened why I’m suddenly not accepting fully all the compliments that they’re throwing at me. Maybe because I still feel ugly… inside. That whenever someone says I look good today, an automatic doubt guard is rising in front of me initially saying “you’re kidding right?”. Well I know that people doesn’t necessarily have to know the whole package in order for them to say good things on what they see. So do I still think of myself that bad based on all the things I’ve done that’s why I’m like this? It’s a no brainer that I should really stop from these issues about me. But the question is how?
I just hope something… or someone can remove me out from this melancholic condition… coz it’s killing me… L
