Life...

People say that when you’re life has no challenges or difficulties, it becomes boring. For the past year I’ve been in a so called Zen position. Happy with friends, family and love ones. Less stress, issues and challenges, but honestly, I’m liking it. I am thankful for not having any of these now. Could it be that I’ve had so much problems before when I was younger. How I experienced having a difficult life of being independent as early as 16 years old. Losing my mom because of cancer and then having some major sickness which I almost thought I’d lose my life. So, have I had my fair share of hardship in life?

It made me realize lately how I am lucky (you can say that) looking at  other’s situation around me. My friends who’s having family problems, health issues, financial matters and emotional conflicts. Every time they will share to me these kind of scenarios I keep on trying to put my shoes into their feet. I kinda feel sorry for them. Note that these are good people who doesn’t harm anyone. And they continuously remain to stay strong just to hold on to these problems. And as a person or a friend who’s on a lighter side, all I can do is to hear them and give as much opinion or advise to help them. They say that a friend in need is a friend in deed, and I feel so blessed when friends reach out to me to ask for assistance and advise even those people who’re not close to me and just heard from some of my friends that I can give good advice.

Every after advice I gave, I know some won’t listen to me and some will try what I said to them, I ask myself this “Lord, until when are you going to let them suffer?”. And lately I began to question my faith. Like is there really God who can control our fate? They say God won’t give you any problems that you can’t handle. But I don’t think that’s true. What if you died of cancer, or encounter an accident or just the recent typhoon that swept thousands of lives? Is that God’s doing? Also I used to believe in karma, but the more you believe on it, the more you get frustrated of having false hopes. If Life is fair then why does the rich get richer and the poor  get poorer?

For now, I really am thankful and would do anything to maintain this life I have. I may not have the money, the fame or any of the material things, but I am really happy. The thought of being in a quiet and contented position is priceless. But this won’t let guards down for anything that would might happen to me soon. And sometimes it is better to be a strong person and prepared for anything, rather than relying your safety and happiness to anyone.

It's Been Awhile...

It’s been more than a year since I last check this. I suddenly felt this weird guilt that it’s as if I have abandoned a pet/comrade/a good friend who have assisted me when I’m having some things I have on my mind that I need to digest and also during the time I’m battling with my heartaches and pain. Now I’m asking myself, have I lost my drive to write? Maybe I just lost time… yeah. And Finally I’m happy… not that I’m not before but usually happy people become care free and doesn’t mind what others would think of them. Also I’ve been very busy with lots of things. Watching so many series, so many animes. Also back in playing video games. Also I’m now trying to do what I want like attending poi class and most specially, having more focus with my good friends and of course my partner. Yes, I’m happy and inlove.

Looking at all the topics I have posted here, most of it can still give me the slap of reality. And some ideas, I can’t believe that it came out of me like it was the first time reading it! So this time, I’m back and I’m keeping this blog site. But this time, I guess I will not post in public all the topics I will be putting here. And maybe I will just write more personal things like a journal. And so I’m back!

Label

I’ve been hearing a lot of rebuttals if putting a label to a person or a situation is right or wrong. Let me try to swim on both sides on this one to gauge the importance and the possible instances that people negates to have this kind of idea of imprinting a label.

First and foremost, the idea of putting a label is to identify and putting everything into its right places. On some cases we often need it to determine people who’re not blood related to us if they’re friends, close friends, best friends, acquaintance, colleagues, etc. We need these identifiers to know who are the people we can put our trust and the ones we can rely on from the ones we can't. Also, this can be our deciding factor in prioritizing series of events. For example, where would you better be, in a colleagues wedding or at your best friend’s house where he/she needs you badly? Based on the example I gave, this will depend on how a person levels the labels of each individual.

Having the behavior of putting a label to everything is like decorating a house where you put all the furniture on where you think they should be. But this kind of idea can sometimes cloud our judgment as a whole. Especially when you’re on the dating period or having an interest to a specific someone. In this kind of scenario, I guess we should be careful on putting an immediate label until we know them fully. Like what if the guy whom you have known as like your fuck buddy can be a good potential partner? What if he has the quality you’re looking for as your other half but you have already plotted that this person should only be your FB? That’s where we will have a difficulty in adjusting our mindset to this individual. Another sample is, the so called mutual feeling. This can be really very catchy which you may have the uncertainty to put a label on what really is your current situation with this person. Let’s just say that everything is going steady being with this guy but then again there’s this gray area on where this will lead to.  It’s either this may lead to a waiting game on who should ask first or try to stick a label on this situation or, a shot in the head once you found out that both of you were not on the same page. Let’s just say that you’ve found out that he’s not ready yet to step up his game for the both of you but you’re already on it.

Not putting a label can be fleeting, anytime the other party felt different, or drifted apart, it will be an easy way out since there’s no specific subject on what both of you may have. On the other hand, not putting a label can also lead into a lot of opportunities and it gives you more time to know more a certain person. But there’s this question that only you can answer, until when? Now this is just my two cents, regardless of how much you will give importance of putting a label or not, I think we should just always be honest to everything. On what we feel, what we think. No matter how much we may hurt someone, I think it’s better than keeping them in a blurry situation or giving them false hopes.

Closed -> Open Book = Singlehood

New Year, new chapter. New life. Everything old feels like new again to me. Most specially this singlehood thing I’m dealing right now. A lot has changed from moving on, to accepting the fact that my ex has someone new, and finally from being fully recovered from all these emotional catastrophe of ending the relationship in my own terms and in my own preferred time. I only determined that I’m already at the end of it when I’m starting not to think of him from every hour, to everyday, to every week… a month till he became someone that I used to know.

Being single has its own pros and cons. You get to know a lot of people who can appreciate you inside-out. Go to places without having any curfew or any fucking conscience of anything you might do. All I can always think of is that I am only responsible to myself. Am I enjoying it? Well yes! But too much of it is an unexpected sucker. So this is where I began to realize that I should start limiting the people around me to myself. I can’t afford to be everywhere. I can only handle as much demands. Learn to say no is hard to think at first but with a firm decision, it’s manageable. I can’t please anyone, that’s one thing I have validated. And yes, I will stay being straight forward which sometimes can hurt other’s feelings towards me but I can’t afford to lose the grip of firmness in me.

The difference of being single from having a partner is like driving a car. Having your other half, sometimes, you need not to be in the driver seat and just stay at the passenger’s side. You can depend on your partner or you can dictate where both of you will go. While being single, you need to drive your own car/life which you may see some obstacles along the way that only you will decide which path you’re going to take. So that’s why we need to be more focused when we’re single as no one will really contradict on the things that we want. It’s just that we should really know what we really want. Again, focus.

So upon declaring my singlehood, this doesn’t mean that I’m opening myself out in the market. Yes, I’m single. But I’m not available. After all the distractions, I finally know what I want. And I’ll focus on it for now.

Refurbish Life

The day the Mayans/Nostradamus etc. have predicted the end of the world which is December 21, 2012, is when I ended most of the negative aspects of my life. Yes, I killed it by force! As I’m not liking the smog-like fumes of unconstructiveness that I’ve been inhaling which clouds the silver lining I’m trying to hold. The dose of my medicine which I’m prescribing to my friends still works on me which is setting a deadline that will lead you either to a good or bad, a yes or no decision.  I told myself that if ever this “End of the World” will occur, at least I have learned this ability to accept things that are inevitable. Yes again, for the power of “acceptance”. Thanks to a good friend who’ve introduced me to this word which I consider like more of a downer kind of drug that calms my combusting thoughts.

Gray areas of my life which is as gray as the gray sky is finally seeing tiny sunrays piercing through it little by little. I can finally say that the war is over. Confucius have already left inside my body. Though it caused too much damages such us my personal balance, my unsaved relationship with my ex-lover which I don’t regret, and my spirituality. But like other wounds, it will soon be healed and I won’t mind the scars that would remind me of my darkest hours as it will always makes me realize how I have recovered from all these things.

Am I fully recovered to the extent that I’m back to normal? I’m still under renovation of finding and opening myself to improve my life and no, I don’t want to go back being normal which might fall on these stupid obstacles again. "I am a better person now". I feel sorry for my ex who’ve doubted me when I told him about this. But then again, who could’ve blame him? After all that has happened to us, it’s better to end this roller coaster ride with him. I wish him the joy and happiness he deserves to someone else which he will never realize from now on that I can also give it to someone soon.

Moving on is such a bittersweet experience. Let’s just assure that we’re moving forward and let’s not allow ourselves to settle with someone or something less.

Emo Overload

Ok… here it goes. I’m not so sure what’s gonna come out of my mind. But something is telling me that I need to write to eject all these things that’s bugging me. Well it’s either no one can really understand what’s my current state right now or maybe it’s just me who’s making all this confusion to anyone not to understand me. I’ve had a lot of emotional heaviness on my plate right now and it’s kinda hard to look ok specially at work where we should always wear our professional mask.

Last weekend, my grandpa past away. Just months away when my granny went first. It’s a mixed emotion on how I should react. First, I really loved my old folks as they’re the ones who took good care of me. And it was so heart breaking to find out that we already lost him. Though a part of me knows that he’ll finally be with granny.  So I’m trying to put a happy plot out of my sadness.

Another thing that’s been bugging me is that I really feel that I’m the only one left in this avenue of the break-up aftermath. It’s really weird when it’s you who decided to be like this in the first place only to find out that you’re the one left hanging. I’ve been hearing good news about him. How he progress. And I can see clearly that he’s finally moving on. But instead of trying to cope up in this race-like situation, here I was still standing in the start line, wanting not to move and just look how far he’s been. Like I don’t even know if it’s the left or right foot I should step first! Is it because I want him to finish first? Or because I just don’t know how I should move forward? Or do I still treat this as a punishment for myself? Either or for whatever the reason is, I am so tired of feeling this way. I would do anything to get rid of this emotional madness.

Lastly, my self esteem is abruptly crumbling down like a landslide from a heavy rain fall. I don’t know what happened why I’m suddenly not accepting fully all the compliments that they’re throwing at me. Maybe because I still feel ugly… inside. That whenever someone says I look good today, an automatic doubt guard is rising in front of me initially saying “you’re kidding right?”. Well I know that people doesn’t necessarily have to know the whole package in order for them to say good things on what they see. So do I still think of myself that bad based on all the things I’ve done that’s why I’m like this? It’s a no brainer that I should really stop from these issues about me. But the question is how?

I just hope something… or someone can remove me out from this melancholic condition… coz it’s killing me… L

So Called Soul Searching

I'm finally here. Can't believe that I'm doing this. Travelling alone here in a gloomy Forks-like place where vampires can live called Baguio. So what am I really doing here? The initial plan was actually, this is supposed to be my get away quality time with my ex. A plan I made a month before the sudden change between us. I loved this place eversince and I booked a wonderful hotel which I dont want to go to waste that's why I risk travelling here alone. I've tried inviting some friends to accompany me but maybe due to the late notice they weren't able to make it.

I've had some major hesitations at first of pushing this plan. Thinking that this is the best place for couples to have their huggy wuggies. But I guess the urge inside me to have this big change for myself undisputedly pushed me to take a 6 hour bus ride to travel here. Like maybe it was all in the plan for me to be here. To think things thru or so called "soul searching". To be honest, I haven't had one. What I've noticed after the break up is whenever I'm alone, my mind keeps on talking inside me saying all the things and behaviours that I'm actually fed up already and an imaginary cloud that encompasses some images of what I think I want or it would make me a better individual.

Admittedly, I was so confident with myself before acting like what's the current all of me is the one that I want to bring towards the end of my life. That kept me blind to improve myself. Truly, life itself is a lifelong journey. As an accountant, maybe this is really the best time for me to assess the financial statement of my own life.