So Called Soul Searching

I'm finally here. Can't believe that I'm doing this. Travelling alone here in a gloomy Forks-like place where vampires can live called Baguio. So what am I really doing here? The initial plan was actually, this is supposed to be my get away quality time with my ex. A plan I made a month before the sudden change between us. I loved this place eversince and I booked a wonderful hotel which I dont want to go to waste that's why I risk travelling here alone. I've tried inviting some friends to accompany me but maybe due to the late notice they weren't able to make it.

I've had some major hesitations at first of pushing this plan. Thinking that this is the best place for couples to have their huggy wuggies. But I guess the urge inside me to have this big change for myself undisputedly pushed me to take a 6 hour bus ride to travel here. Like maybe it was all in the plan for me to be here. To think things thru or so called "soul searching". To be honest, I haven't had one. What I've noticed after the break up is whenever I'm alone, my mind keeps on talking inside me saying all the things and behaviours that I'm actually fed up already and an imaginary cloud that encompasses some images of what I think I want or it would make me a better individual.

Admittedly, I was so confident with myself before acting like what's the current all of me is the one that I want to bring towards the end of my life. That kept me blind to improve myself. Truly, life itself is a lifelong journey. As an accountant, maybe this is really the best time for me to assess the financial statement of my own life.

Status Check

It’s been more than a week. The situation where I am now is one of the main reason why some people are getting tired of relationship. Honestly, I am too. I have some “sink-in” moments where I need to pull myself up before I totally fall from the cliff telling myself “oh no you don’t want to be in that zone again”. Seriously, what I have realized is that, I can get him back whenever I want to. I know I have that ability. I know he’ll take me back. He even gave me a silver lining when he messaged me that all he just want is for me to realize something that he’s expecting me to do. And to be honest, I can do that. But what’s stopping me… Guess I want change that badly…

Have I moved on already? Or am I moving on? Well, No. It’s just that I put myself for now in a glass cage where I don’t want to feel that atmospheric emotion goes under my skin. I’m not ready to face it. It’s either I don’t have a better resolution yet in mind or I’m just letting this to die slowly. I’m closing this door for now. Until I have this certain calling to redeem myself that I am really capable of committing myself to someone.

I can’t believe how I’m thanking my work now for keeping my mind busy. My friends who’re being neutral about the situation after they’ve found out all the wrong things I’ve done. I really am grateful of these people who’re not taking any sides at all. A friend of mine told me that happiness is just a state of mind. Well I agree with him and all emotions are too. So right now I’m faking happiness till I start to pseudo making it until I reach the part where I can do it once again, effortlessly.

Dad’s Added Pressure

Second day… and I’ve been bombarded with loads of text and messages from friends and not so close friends/people to know what really happened. It’s quite weird because most of these people will only react or message me whenever the “single” status lights on top of my head. I began to think that it’s either (A)They truly care about with what I’m going through or (B) A perfect time to know me better because obviously I will now respond to them as I may be in badly need of someone I can talk to or lastly (C) They just want to verify with me if it’s really over so that they can hit with my ex… Honestly I kinda feel rude thinking this way but whatever their main purpose of talking to me is, I really do appreciate the effort of checking on me. If anyone of them can read this… THANK YOU!

Today I had a date… with a close friend. Sharing our own sentiments as she’s also going through a lot with her love affair. We were supposed to talk about “it”. But in the end we just end up talking about fun stuffs. After our meet up, I began to think if I’m really in pain or I’m just in the zone of the “after break up” scene why I’m feeling this. Or maybe I shouldn’t have to waste some brain cells trying to identify my current state.

So far I’m really fine. I have some answers why I agree to sign the separation contract with him. I don’t want to hurt him as he has told me. I’m also tired of the same roller coaster ride that we’re having. And some which I don’t need to publish here anymore. I don’t play  the blame game anyway. And it’s definitely over this time anyway.

Just today, my dad found out this news and this is what he said:

“Ano nangyari between you and ****? Gusto, mong mag change ng preference? Mas loyal ang babae sometimes. Masarap kasama at magaling mag care. May edad ka na, give your life a direction. Try mo lang.”

This really caught me off guard! Well what can I say… I love you dad! :D