So Called Soul Searching

I'm finally here. Can't believe that I'm doing this. Travelling alone here in a gloomy Forks-like place where vampires can live called Baguio. So what am I really doing here? The initial plan was actually, this is supposed to be my get away quality time with my ex. A plan I made a month before the sudden change between us. I loved this place eversince and I booked a wonderful hotel which I dont want to go to waste that's why I risk travelling here alone. I've tried inviting some friends to accompany me but maybe due to the late notice they weren't able to make it.

I've had some major hesitations at first of pushing this plan. Thinking that this is the best place for couples to have their huggy wuggies. But I guess the urge inside me to have this big change for myself undisputedly pushed me to take a 6 hour bus ride to travel here. Like maybe it was all in the plan for me to be here. To think things thru or so called "soul searching". To be honest, I haven't had one. What I've noticed after the break up is whenever I'm alone, my mind keeps on talking inside me saying all the things and behaviours that I'm actually fed up already and an imaginary cloud that encompasses some images of what I think I want or it would make me a better individual.

Admittedly, I was so confident with myself before acting like what's the current all of me is the one that I want to bring towards the end of my life. That kept me blind to improve myself. Truly, life itself is a lifelong journey. As an accountant, maybe this is really the best time for me to assess the financial statement of my own life.

Status Check

It’s been more than a week. The situation where I am now is one of the main reason why some people are getting tired of relationship. Honestly, I am too. I have some “sink-in” moments where I need to pull myself up before I totally fall from the cliff telling myself “oh no you don’t want to be in that zone again”. Seriously, what I have realized is that, I can get him back whenever I want to. I know I have that ability. I know he’ll take me back. He even gave me a silver lining when he messaged me that all he just want is for me to realize something that he’s expecting me to do. And to be honest, I can do that. But what’s stopping me… Guess I want change that badly…

Have I moved on already? Or am I moving on? Well, No. It’s just that I put myself for now in a glass cage where I don’t want to feel that atmospheric emotion goes under my skin. I’m not ready to face it. It’s either I don’t have a better resolution yet in mind or I’m just letting this to die slowly. I’m closing this door for now. Until I have this certain calling to redeem myself that I am really capable of committing myself to someone.

I can’t believe how I’m thanking my work now for keeping my mind busy. My friends who’re being neutral about the situation after they’ve found out all the wrong things I’ve done. I really am grateful of these people who’re not taking any sides at all. A friend of mine told me that happiness is just a state of mind. Well I agree with him and all emotions are too. So right now I’m faking happiness till I start to pseudo making it until I reach the part where I can do it once again, effortlessly.

Dad’s Added Pressure

Second day… and I’ve been bombarded with loads of text and messages from friends and not so close friends/people to know what really happened. It’s quite weird because most of these people will only react or message me whenever the “single” status lights on top of my head. I began to think that it’s either (A)They truly care about with what I’m going through or (B) A perfect time to know me better because obviously I will now respond to them as I may be in badly need of someone I can talk to or lastly (C) They just want to verify with me if it’s really over so that they can hit with my ex… Honestly I kinda feel rude thinking this way but whatever their main purpose of talking to me is, I really do appreciate the effort of checking on me. If anyone of them can read this… THANK YOU!

Today I had a date… with a close friend. Sharing our own sentiments as she’s also going through a lot with her love affair. We were supposed to talk about “it”. But in the end we just end up talking about fun stuffs. After our meet up, I began to think if I’m really in pain or I’m just in the zone of the “after break up” scene why I’m feeling this. Or maybe I shouldn’t have to waste some brain cells trying to identify my current state.

So far I’m really fine. I have some answers why I agree to sign the separation contract with him. I don’t want to hurt him as he has told me. I’m also tired of the same roller coaster ride that we’re having. And some which I don’t need to publish here anymore. I don’t play  the blame game anyway. And it’s definitely over this time anyway.

Just today, my dad found out this news and this is what he said:

“Ano nangyari between you and ****? Gusto, mong mag change ng preference? Mas loyal ang babae sometimes. Masarap kasama at magaling mag care. May edad ka na, give your life a direction. Try mo lang.”

This really caught me off guard! Well what can I say… I love you dad! :D

Change for a Change

Today is the start of a new chapter. This time I decided not to announce all the things I’m going to write on this page because this time, it will be more about ME.

Social media is really crazy. I can imagine how it can really ruin someone’s life. Today I just changed my status to “single” and I can see how everyone reacts on it. So what more if it’s a famous person who’ll do this? In any case, I don’t mind and won’t mind in the future. Yes my ex… (ok I can’t believe I’m calling him that right now) is right. We both agreed to this and we don’t need to prolong this “change status” thing. As if it would make any difference. I do understand what he’s been through with me. Though I also hope that he also understood where I was coming from which was pretty much of a labyrinth of thoughts inside of me. And yes, we need to let go before we lose each other’s respect. I can’t blame people who will continuously ask what really happened but I’ll just keep my lips sealed and not to disclose anything. Guess we really made some fans out of our relationship. We both know that we wanted this and we’re cool about it.

As for me, I really need to assess myself. Letting go of this boy who is really a big catch. For almost 3 years… And yes I did let go as I just keep on hurting him. But why… … …

Filipino Drama

We Filipinos or should I say most of us are fond of tagalong drama series. This is because it’s already innate on us to be very emotional as Pinoys. This is one of the good reason why a lot of foreigners would rather have a Pinay/Pinoy as their long time partners due to our hospitability and sincerity. Also another reason why we’re producing a lot of good nurses, helpers,  that other countries do prefer than our competitors in this field like the Mexicans and the likes.  We’ve already overpowered all other competitive countries such as India, Singapore and Malaysia in the BPO line of businesses due to our undisputedly good customer service. Stability wise and economically speaking, having this certain kind of Pinoy emotion contributes greatly in a positive sense the distinction of our race.

But as we say, too much of anything is bad for us. Same as this emotion that can turn into a Filipino drama. Sometimes, we tend to exaggerate things that can be plain and simple. Simple lover’s quarrel that can be a major sequel. Family matters that can prolong having a Book II. Issues with friends that may have a season ender but expecting for a new season with more conflicts. Worse is, there are some subjects that we would also create its prequel by back tracking all the problems over and over again. In short, we really love to have a drama anthology of our own.

That’s why I can’t blame why this current generation, we’re facing different kinds of weird behavior such as the jejemons and a big portion of emo kids is tremendously expanding. What my theory here is that we, as Filipinos are already emotional, then most of the teen agers now is also adapting other culture’s different style of showing how they feel like the Japanese, Koreans… etc. So ending result is these creepy kids who loves to make puppy faces on the camera trying to be cute but really not at all! I also consider this as Filipino drama because they tend to cling too much on something that is very baloney!

We also love to have a version of our own Western-like programs. Reality shows like Big Brother, Survivor… etc. which personally I find pretty much fake in all aspects. Seriously, we can try but we can’t top up the original of these programs because of our emotions. These came from a western culture which is pretty much liberated and very upfront. As far as I can remember Big Brother abroad is like a rated R unlike here that’s been populated with loads of Emos and Jejemons. We’re trying to absorb the feeling of being liberated just like the western films and series that’s being catered to us but we’re too emotional to handle it and I think this contributes a big factor why we’re enhancing this Filipino drama as well.

They say Filipinos can be the most beautiful people when being mixed with other races. Well it shows on our celebrities don’t they? I guess we should also try adapting this kind of theory when we’re trying to absorb different kinds of foreign traits. Evolving our own personalities to something more useful than irritating. As much as I want to suggest to have a drama free life, I can’t because that’s already part of us. Just make sure not to get it into someone else’s nerves when you feel like you want to have your own drama series. And better yet, choose a good theme song for it! LOL!

My Kind of Drug

People are made to be clingy. It’s a given fact. Those who can’t accept it are just in denial. We will always have this something or someone that we will make ourselves very attached to it. This is because whatever or whoever it is, whether it’s direct or not, we are getting this so called comfort zone whenever we’re insinuating it to ourselves. It’s like a drug that can be so addicting we might get devoured and can’t get out of it.

Everything that is too much is bad for us. Even too much kindness can dealt the same amount of pain. The greed for money can do a lot of unpleasant things. The thought of having more money means more problem is quite transparent in any way regardless how you’ve earned it. Too much devotion on your religion can make others think that you’re crazy. Having a high degree of faith can be harmful as you might instill in your mind that you’re more superior thinking that God is giving you more favor than to those who are around you. Hence, you’re invoking being a self righteous ass subconsciously. Even the simplest addiction for material things is unhealthy. Gadgets, bags, shoes etc. that can develop being envious to others, insecurity and discontentment. We all have our fair share of addiction in this world like a drug of our own. Like me, I’ve been addicted to this online game which I’ve been playing for roughly 8 years now. I have a lot of reasons why I treated this as my kind of drug. This is my way to release my stress from my work. It’s a cost saving habit during weekends rather than spending my money getting drunk on the club. It’s the only time I can fully have a mutual bonding with my brother whom is addicted to this drug too. Etc... You might also have these kind of pros why you’re so addicted to your own drug. Good reasons that covers the negative things your addiction can brought to you. Like going back to my own example, because of this addiction over this online game, little did I know that I’m becoming temperamental and it sucks up some of my quality time which I should be spending with my special someone.

If we’re going to base this kind of addiction to a person, another example is when you love someone who doesn’t love you. You may have no care for as long as you are showing that you love this person even if it means that you won’t get any in return. Not even a tiny echo  back or a glimpse from this person. Having the thought that it makes you feel happy doing such stupid things, you’re already blind to see the backlash out of it. And that is losing respect to yourself.

As humans, this is really unavoidable. We will keep on searching to find all the things that will make us feel happy because this is the only time we can declare that our lives are worth living. But in order to come back to our own senses, sometimes, we just need to find a way to maintain the balance. Rehab ourselves from this addiction and give a big slap to our faces… literally, for us to wake up.

Controlling Fate

Does fate comes with a remote control? I wish. But it will no longer be called fate if that’s the case. Fate is an inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition or end. It’s unavoidable. Either we can thank fate for some good things that comes in our way or we can just put the blame on it and rest our case during some unfortunate circumstances. It’s one of the many mysterious words in life that men can’t have power over. That’s how fate was described by Mr. Webster.

Nowadays, people are starting to think differently about fate. One good example is “The Secret” that has a book and a documentary film that tells how we can get something we really desire. I’ve watched the film and it was really inspiring. But on a different note, it can be quite fictional. I know for a fact that if we really want something, we should do everything that is necessary in order to achieve it. Attracting the universe in order to let all the things we planned go as it is. But seriously, how do we really make this happen? Should we have to rely on what the book/film etc. is telling us in order to control our fate? Then if that’s the case then we’re already defying fate itself rather than controlling it right? This is just my two cents, the more we keep this mind set of being positive and expecting that it will be rewarded in the end is treacherous once fate comes back with a bad outcome.

I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I compare the entity of fate like the way I believe in God or love. It moves in mysterious ways. The more we try to think that we can control it, the more we will just complicate our lives. And again, just like God or love, if things didn’t happen the way you want it to be, then it might be a sign or a way for you to find time to realize and have some good assessment to yourself. Rise some constructive feedbacks why fate didn’t let you get what you want. Either you really don’t deserve it, or it wasn’t really meant for you and there’s something or someone that is more suitable for you. Putting a 100% positive mindset isn’t healthy as well as this will just cloud all the negative things that you will encounter that might help you to grow as a human being. Instead of making yourself believe that you can control fate, why not just let it be as your guidance. And I guess that’s more real and reasonable to consider than thinking that you have this ability that you can control the universe.