Refurbish Life

The day the Mayans/Nostradamus etc. have predicted the end of the world which is December 21, 2012, is when I ended most of the negative aspects of my life. Yes, I killed it by force! As I’m not liking the smog-like fumes of unconstructiveness that I’ve been inhaling which clouds the silver lining I’m trying to hold. The dose of my medicine which I’m prescribing to my friends still works on me which is setting a deadline that will lead you either to a good or bad, a yes or no decision.  I told myself that if ever this “End of the World” will occur, at least I have learned this ability to accept things that are inevitable. Yes again, for the power of “acceptance”. Thanks to a good friend who’ve introduced me to this word which I consider like more of a downer kind of drug that calms my combusting thoughts.

Gray areas of my life which is as gray as the gray sky is finally seeing tiny sunrays piercing through it little by little. I can finally say that the war is over. Confucius have already left inside my body. Though it caused too much damages such us my personal balance, my unsaved relationship with my ex-lover which I don’t regret, and my spirituality. But like other wounds, it will soon be healed and I won’t mind the scars that would remind me of my darkest hours as it will always makes me realize how I have recovered from all these things.

Am I fully recovered to the extent that I’m back to normal? I’m still under renovation of finding and opening myself to improve my life and no, I don’t want to go back being normal which might fall on these stupid obstacles again. "I am a better person now". I feel sorry for my ex who’ve doubted me when I told him about this. But then again, who could’ve blame him? After all that has happened to us, it’s better to end this roller coaster ride with him. I wish him the joy and happiness he deserves to someone else which he will never realize from now on that I can also give it to someone soon.

Moving on is such a bittersweet experience. Let’s just assure that we’re moving forward and let’s not allow ourselves to settle with someone or something less.

Emo Overload

Ok… here it goes. I’m not so sure what’s gonna come out of my mind. But something is telling me that I need to write to eject all these things that’s bugging me. Well it’s either no one can really understand what’s my current state right now or maybe it’s just me who’s making all this confusion to anyone not to understand me. I’ve had a lot of emotional heaviness on my plate right now and it’s kinda hard to look ok specially at work where we should always wear our professional mask.

Last weekend, my grandpa past away. Just months away when my granny went first. It’s a mixed emotion on how I should react. First, I really loved my old folks as they’re the ones who took good care of me. And it was so heart breaking to find out that we already lost him. Though a part of me knows that he’ll finally be with granny.  So I’m trying to put a happy plot out of my sadness.

Another thing that’s been bugging me is that I really feel that I’m the only one left in this avenue of the break-up aftermath. It’s really weird when it’s you who decided to be like this in the first place only to find out that you’re the one left hanging. I’ve been hearing good news about him. How he progress. And I can see clearly that he’s finally moving on. But instead of trying to cope up in this race-like situation, here I was still standing in the start line, wanting not to move and just look how far he’s been. Like I don’t even know if it’s the left or right foot I should step first! Is it because I want him to finish first? Or because I just don’t know how I should move forward? Or do I still treat this as a punishment for myself? Either or for whatever the reason is, I am so tired of feeling this way. I would do anything to get rid of this emotional madness.

Lastly, my self esteem is abruptly crumbling down like a landslide from a heavy rain fall. I don’t know what happened why I’m suddenly not accepting fully all the compliments that they’re throwing at me. Maybe because I still feel ugly… inside. That whenever someone says I look good today, an automatic doubt guard is rising in front of me initially saying “you’re kidding right?”. Well I know that people doesn’t necessarily have to know the whole package in order for them to say good things on what they see. So do I still think of myself that bad based on all the things I’ve done that’s why I’m like this? It’s a no brainer that I should really stop from these issues about me. But the question is how?

I just hope something… or someone can remove me out from this melancholic condition… coz it’s killing me… L

So Called Soul Searching

I'm finally here. Can't believe that I'm doing this. Travelling alone here in a gloomy Forks-like place where vampires can live called Baguio. So what am I really doing here? The initial plan was actually, this is supposed to be my get away quality time with my ex. A plan I made a month before the sudden change between us. I loved this place eversince and I booked a wonderful hotel which I dont want to go to waste that's why I risk travelling here alone. I've tried inviting some friends to accompany me but maybe due to the late notice they weren't able to make it.

I've had some major hesitations at first of pushing this plan. Thinking that this is the best place for couples to have their huggy wuggies. But I guess the urge inside me to have this big change for myself undisputedly pushed me to take a 6 hour bus ride to travel here. Like maybe it was all in the plan for me to be here. To think things thru or so called "soul searching". To be honest, I haven't had one. What I've noticed after the break up is whenever I'm alone, my mind keeps on talking inside me saying all the things and behaviours that I'm actually fed up already and an imaginary cloud that encompasses some images of what I think I want or it would make me a better individual.

Admittedly, I was so confident with myself before acting like what's the current all of me is the one that I want to bring towards the end of my life. That kept me blind to improve myself. Truly, life itself is a lifelong journey. As an accountant, maybe this is really the best time for me to assess the financial statement of my own life.

Status Check

It’s been more than a week. The situation where I am now is one of the main reason why some people are getting tired of relationship. Honestly, I am too. I have some “sink-in” moments where I need to pull myself up before I totally fall from the cliff telling myself “oh no you don’t want to be in that zone again”. Seriously, what I have realized is that, I can get him back whenever I want to. I know I have that ability. I know he’ll take me back. He even gave me a silver lining when he messaged me that all he just want is for me to realize something that he’s expecting me to do. And to be honest, I can do that. But what’s stopping me… Guess I want change that badly…

Have I moved on already? Or am I moving on? Well, No. It’s just that I put myself for now in a glass cage where I don’t want to feel that atmospheric emotion goes under my skin. I’m not ready to face it. It’s either I don’t have a better resolution yet in mind or I’m just letting this to die slowly. I’m closing this door for now. Until I have this certain calling to redeem myself that I am really capable of committing myself to someone.

I can’t believe how I’m thanking my work now for keeping my mind busy. My friends who’re being neutral about the situation after they’ve found out all the wrong things I’ve done. I really am grateful of these people who’re not taking any sides at all. A friend of mine told me that happiness is just a state of mind. Well I agree with him and all emotions are too. So right now I’m faking happiness till I start to pseudo making it until I reach the part where I can do it once again, effortlessly.

Dad’s Added Pressure

Second day… and I’ve been bombarded with loads of text and messages from friends and not so close friends/people to know what really happened. It’s quite weird because most of these people will only react or message me whenever the “single” status lights on top of my head. I began to think that it’s either (A)They truly care about with what I’m going through or (B) A perfect time to know me better because obviously I will now respond to them as I may be in badly need of someone I can talk to or lastly (C) They just want to verify with me if it’s really over so that they can hit with my ex… Honestly I kinda feel rude thinking this way but whatever their main purpose of talking to me is, I really do appreciate the effort of checking on me. If anyone of them can read this… THANK YOU!

Today I had a date… with a close friend. Sharing our own sentiments as she’s also going through a lot with her love affair. We were supposed to talk about “it”. But in the end we just end up talking about fun stuffs. After our meet up, I began to think if I’m really in pain or I’m just in the zone of the “after break up” scene why I’m feeling this. Or maybe I shouldn’t have to waste some brain cells trying to identify my current state.

So far I’m really fine. I have some answers why I agree to sign the separation contract with him. I don’t want to hurt him as he has told me. I’m also tired of the same roller coaster ride that we’re having. And some which I don’t need to publish here anymore. I don’t play  the blame game anyway. And it’s definitely over this time anyway.

Just today, my dad found out this news and this is what he said:

“Ano nangyari between you and ****? Gusto, mong mag change ng preference? Mas loyal ang babae sometimes. Masarap kasama at magaling mag care. May edad ka na, give your life a direction. Try mo lang.”

This really caught me off guard! Well what can I say… I love you dad! :D

Change for a Change

Today is the start of a new chapter. This time I decided not to announce all the things I’m going to write on this page because this time, it will be more about ME.

Social media is really crazy. I can imagine how it can really ruin someone’s life. Today I just changed my status to “single” and I can see how everyone reacts on it. So what more if it’s a famous person who’ll do this? In any case, I don’t mind and won’t mind in the future. Yes my ex… (ok I can’t believe I’m calling him that right now) is right. We both agreed to this and we don’t need to prolong this “change status” thing. As if it would make any difference. I do understand what he’s been through with me. Though I also hope that he also understood where I was coming from which was pretty much of a labyrinth of thoughts inside of me. And yes, we need to let go before we lose each other’s respect. I can’t blame people who will continuously ask what really happened but I’ll just keep my lips sealed and not to disclose anything. Guess we really made some fans out of our relationship. We both know that we wanted this and we’re cool about it.

As for me, I really need to assess myself. Letting go of this boy who is really a big catch. For almost 3 years… And yes I did let go as I just keep on hurting him. But why… … …

Filipino Drama

We Filipinos or should I say most of us are fond of tagalong drama series. This is because it’s already innate on us to be very emotional as Pinoys. This is one of the good reason why a lot of foreigners would rather have a Pinay/Pinoy as their long time partners due to our hospitability and sincerity. Also another reason why we’re producing a lot of good nurses, helpers,  that other countries do prefer than our competitors in this field like the Mexicans and the likes.  We’ve already overpowered all other competitive countries such as India, Singapore and Malaysia in the BPO line of businesses due to our undisputedly good customer service. Stability wise and economically speaking, having this certain kind of Pinoy emotion contributes greatly in a positive sense the distinction of our race.

But as we say, too much of anything is bad for us. Same as this emotion that can turn into a Filipino drama. Sometimes, we tend to exaggerate things that can be plain and simple. Simple lover’s quarrel that can be a major sequel. Family matters that can prolong having a Book II. Issues with friends that may have a season ender but expecting for a new season with more conflicts. Worse is, there are some subjects that we would also create its prequel by back tracking all the problems over and over again. In short, we really love to have a drama anthology of our own.

That’s why I can’t blame why this current generation, we’re facing different kinds of weird behavior such as the jejemons and a big portion of emo kids is tremendously expanding. What my theory here is that we, as Filipinos are already emotional, then most of the teen agers now is also adapting other culture’s different style of showing how they feel like the Japanese, Koreans… etc. So ending result is these creepy kids who loves to make puppy faces on the camera trying to be cute but really not at all! I also consider this as Filipino drama because they tend to cling too much on something that is very baloney!

We also love to have a version of our own Western-like programs. Reality shows like Big Brother, Survivor… etc. which personally I find pretty much fake in all aspects. Seriously, we can try but we can’t top up the original of these programs because of our emotions. These came from a western culture which is pretty much liberated and very upfront. As far as I can remember Big Brother abroad is like a rated R unlike here that’s been populated with loads of Emos and Jejemons. We’re trying to absorb the feeling of being liberated just like the western films and series that’s being catered to us but we’re too emotional to handle it and I think this contributes a big factor why we’re enhancing this Filipino drama as well.

They say Filipinos can be the most beautiful people when being mixed with other races. Well it shows on our celebrities don’t they? I guess we should also try adapting this kind of theory when we’re trying to absorb different kinds of foreign traits. Evolving our own personalities to something more useful than irritating. As much as I want to suggest to have a drama free life, I can’t because that’s already part of us. Just make sure not to get it into someone else’s nerves when you feel like you want to have your own drama series. And better yet, choose a good theme song for it! LOL!

My Kind of Drug

People are made to be clingy. It’s a given fact. Those who can’t accept it are just in denial. We will always have this something or someone that we will make ourselves very attached to it. This is because whatever or whoever it is, whether it’s direct or not, we are getting this so called comfort zone whenever we’re insinuating it to ourselves. It’s like a drug that can be so addicting we might get devoured and can’t get out of it.

Everything that is too much is bad for us. Even too much kindness can dealt the same amount of pain. The greed for money can do a lot of unpleasant things. The thought of having more money means more problem is quite transparent in any way regardless how you’ve earned it. Too much devotion on your religion can make others think that you’re crazy. Having a high degree of faith can be harmful as you might instill in your mind that you’re more superior thinking that God is giving you more favor than to those who are around you. Hence, you’re invoking being a self righteous ass subconsciously. Even the simplest addiction for material things is unhealthy. Gadgets, bags, shoes etc. that can develop being envious to others, insecurity and discontentment. We all have our fair share of addiction in this world like a drug of our own. Like me, I’ve been addicted to this online game which I’ve been playing for roughly 8 years now. I have a lot of reasons why I treated this as my kind of drug. This is my way to release my stress from my work. It’s a cost saving habit during weekends rather than spending my money getting drunk on the club. It’s the only time I can fully have a mutual bonding with my brother whom is addicted to this drug too. Etc... You might also have these kind of pros why you’re so addicted to your own drug. Good reasons that covers the negative things your addiction can brought to you. Like going back to my own example, because of this addiction over this online game, little did I know that I’m becoming temperamental and it sucks up some of my quality time which I should be spending with my special someone.

If we’re going to base this kind of addiction to a person, another example is when you love someone who doesn’t love you. You may have no care for as long as you are showing that you love this person even if it means that you won’t get any in return. Not even a tiny echo  back or a glimpse from this person. Having the thought that it makes you feel happy doing such stupid things, you’re already blind to see the backlash out of it. And that is losing respect to yourself.

As humans, this is really unavoidable. We will keep on searching to find all the things that will make us feel happy because this is the only time we can declare that our lives are worth living. But in order to come back to our own senses, sometimes, we just need to find a way to maintain the balance. Rehab ourselves from this addiction and give a big slap to our faces… literally, for us to wake up.

Controlling Fate

Does fate comes with a remote control? I wish. But it will no longer be called fate if that’s the case. Fate is an inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition or end. It’s unavoidable. Either we can thank fate for some good things that comes in our way or we can just put the blame on it and rest our case during some unfortunate circumstances. It’s one of the many mysterious words in life that men can’t have power over. That’s how fate was described by Mr. Webster.

Nowadays, people are starting to think differently about fate. One good example is “The Secret” that has a book and a documentary film that tells how we can get something we really desire. I’ve watched the film and it was really inspiring. But on a different note, it can be quite fictional. I know for a fact that if we really want something, we should do everything that is necessary in order to achieve it. Attracting the universe in order to let all the things we planned go as it is. But seriously, how do we really make this happen? Should we have to rely on what the book/film etc. is telling us in order to control our fate? Then if that’s the case then we’re already defying fate itself rather than controlling it right? This is just my two cents, the more we keep this mind set of being positive and expecting that it will be rewarded in the end is treacherous once fate comes back with a bad outcome.

I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I compare the entity of fate like the way I believe in God or love. It moves in mysterious ways. The more we try to think that we can control it, the more we will just complicate our lives. And again, just like God or love, if things didn’t happen the way you want it to be, then it might be a sign or a way for you to find time to realize and have some good assessment to yourself. Rise some constructive feedbacks why fate didn’t let you get what you want. Either you really don’t deserve it, or it wasn’t really meant for you and there’s something or someone that is more suitable for you. Putting a 100% positive mindset isn’t healthy as well as this will just cloud all the negative things that you will encounter that might help you to grow as a human being. Instead of making yourself believe that you can control fate, why not just let it be as your guidance. And I guess that’s more real and reasonable to consider than thinking that you have this ability that you can control the universe.

Time for Goodbye. Good buy for Time…

Just this week one of my weaknesses in life passed away, my grandma. Who raised me since birth. I was  born as a blue baby, with a very weak lungs. I was born literally almost half dead that the doctor needs to do some pinching on my heart for me to normalize my status. So back then, my mom can’t bring me to Manila where the air is polluted and since she and my dad is busy at work and I need some extra care, my mom entrusted my life to my grandma and grandpa who’re living in the province. I stayed there until I was 5 years old and my mom and dad always visit me during weekends. I owe so much my life to her and seeing her passed away is like the same feeling I felt when my mom left us but it gave me the exact opposite realizations.

When my mom passed away 13 years ago, that triggered me to be strong in all aspects. All I was thinking back then is to strive for all the things that my mom would want me to be which during the process made me realize that the world will never be lean in your favors unless you do something about it. I channeled this heartbreaking event as my strength that whenever I will encounter different problems, I would just think that hey, I’ve already lost someone who’s dear to me, so what else would be painful than that? And seriously, it really helps me to surpass any difficulties that comes in my way. Although what I’ve realized is, because of this kind of thinking, I become quite a bit insensitive to others’ feelings. And I see myself as this kind of person with a very strong personality that whatever I will do whether it’s wrong or right, at the end of the day I can make it look right. So when the mother of my mom passed away recently, while I was making my last look at her, I felt like there’s a warm water suddenly flows all over my system. Like my grandma’s telling me to loosen up, soften up a little. Like it’s not all about me, and achieving what I want to be. And I began to remember all the good things she have told me which made me realize more what life is really worth.

You know, it’s really not bad to keep striving or pursuing what you want. But haven’t we realize that the more we keep on pushing it too hard, the more we just let time moves faster for us? We may kind of think that this is just normal, like we never realize how time flies so fast specially when we’re too busy at work or focusing too much on our lessons at school that we always tend to say this expression “Oh my God, it’s already Friday?” . Initially we take this kind of scenario as a positive thing that we always embrace the two rest days coming every week. But what we didn’t realize is that because of focusing too much on what we want and always being excited for the weekend, we let time eat our lives that quickly during the weekdays which is like fast forwarding our lives to its very end without us noticing it.

We were born because God wants us to embrace the total package of this world. The ups and downs. We are given time to value it and not to waste it for some things that we can never bring with us once we’re dead. The death of my dear grandma made me realize to look back and see what I have and already done with my life. The people around me, my friends, relatives and love ones who’re there for me despite of those moments when I’m letting time eat my life but they never get tired to be there for me. The people I’ve hurt but still giving me their unconditional love and support. My health condition that didn’t put me down. And I guess, it’s high time to buy time to give back and appreciate all these stuffs. Upon seeing these things, it suddenly slowed down my rushing time which made me become conscious of the true wealth I really have. Valuing every second of my life. Truly, it isn’t  money and material things that can bring you happiness, it’s the point in time you will learn how to accomplish full contentment in life.

Earth Gone Wild

Nowadays it’s really hard to measure what season are we really in. Summer heat is now expressing its presence ranging up to 40 degrees outside. But before you know it, rain will unexpectedly appear out of nowhere. Imagine the hassle of wearing your fad summer clothes while running on the pouring rain. We know what’s causing this weather confusion. We are aware of this Global Warming thing that’s going on. But less than 1% around the world is just doing something about it I guess.

The irony of hating what’s going on to our planet cursing the heat or the rain when in fact it’s because of us people why the earth’s going crazy as it seems. For the years that I’m living in this world, I haven’t seen not a single country who really takes seriously of this matter. Most of the posts and ads that I’m seeing imposing to save Mother Earth is just to make us aware. Making people aware is just an easy thing but wouldn’t be better if we can just use the word oblige rather than aware to take action on what’s happening to our home planet? Different religious groups are saying that the end is near that’s why we’re experiencing a lot of fortuitous wrath of nature nowadays. This may be true, but I’d rather believe that it’s because we’re taking earth for granted that’s why it’s losing its control. And again, I really don’t think that we really care that much about it.

If the government really care about Global Warming, why do they still continue to allow the tobacco business progress and let the manufacturing of cigarettes go on when we are all aware that smoking can messed up our ozone layer? Each pack of cigarettes now has this warning saying that it’s dangerous to your health. May I request to also include that it’s also dangerous to our planet? I find it weird that they’re putting this warning sign but they still allow the consumers to purchase it for the purpose of good income regardless of the threat it can dealt to us and to our environment. To smokers who’re reading this, can you imagine how small sacrifices such as quitting on smoking can do a lot of good things for you, for everyone? I’ve been a hardcore smoker before and it only damaged my lungs which caused me to undergo a year of medication to cure my tuberculosis during my younger years. The tree planting projects that a lot of pro-earth institutions are organizing is a good thing to make us aware that we really need to do something. It’s a good thing, but it’s not enough until the government or someone with a higher authority will oblige us “all” to do it. These simple things that we are already have the knowledge to save our planet needs some major push to put it into action which can benefit us all. Enough about other stupid ideas such as the Earth Hour. What’s the sense of closing all the lights for an hour to pay tribute to our earth? What good changes does it make? NONE! Worse is if you’re living in a third world country, it will only give the wandering thieves all over the metro a big opportunity to do their action in an hour!

Awareness is already not an appropriate word to save the earth. Because even a little kid knows how to bank the safety of our planet. Simple things like what I’ve mentioned above that can help. Simple things like not throwing your garbage anywhere which I’m always reminding myself. Don’t expect that there’s another planet for us that we can just transfer once we let this Earth died in vain. Well there might be, but not in our time. And it’s better not to expect nor hope but rather do something to prolong this big round thing that supports our existence for now.

Hidden Talent (???)

Ok...  for this week, my trash on my thoughts won't work as I've been bombarded with lots of work. Backtracking the emails for more than 300 since I got back from my vacation. Sigh... the price to pay after going to a place like Riviera. Plus being a committee in this pageant we've been doing to raise funds for a cause. Just one of the times you wish you could multiply yourself to do all the tasks at the same time. Nevertheless I surpassed this week with a tired mind but with contented heart knowing that all my efforts in our program will help the less fortunate by gathering more than 300K in less than a month! Thanks for all the candidates!

Oh and by the way, please do excuse me of sharing this. So aside from doing the technical stuffs, floor directing, and doing the tally sheets, I also pushed myself to the limits by serenading the candidates. Seriously, this is the first and probably the last time that I will sing in a program. Sharing you the link below:

Test of Faith

There's this common saying that the world is like a wheel. Sometimes your up, and sometimes your down. But is this really true or just another state of mind that we embeded to ourselves in order to think that there's always a balance to everything, or a fair treatment to everyone... And yeah, that God made us equal. We as humans, loves to create a lot of alibis or in a good manner, having lots of rules for our lives. But there are times that I can't help myself but to ask if we're really born equal to each and everyone. Or did God created us with different status and classifications to maintain the balance in general of this world?

Just this morning I heard this bad news from my cousin who also just got out of the hospital and had multiple operations that one of our cousin was rushed to the hospital and was diagnosed with aneurism. I guess this is because she pushed herself too hard in helping her dad to recover from his mild stroke. Knowing these two cousins of mine for the longest time, I can testify that they've been good to their parents / relatives / friends and have done nothing bad at all. Well if ever they did, I'm sure it's really just some minor flaws and mistakes. And looking at myself, I was nothing compared to their goodness but here I am, healthy and stable in some way. But then again, is this something that I should be thankful of? Nevertheless, I still thank God for keeping me safe but at the same time, this turned into a major realization for me. Like really, do they deserve this hard circumstances that's happening to them and at the same time, do I also deserve this kind of life I'm living right now? Well if I'm going to base my self assessment with the things I've done, or the hardwork I did on how I've obtain this kind of status, I can say yes, I deserve this kind of life. But with the rules of life that if we did something good, goodness will come back to us in ten folds, howcome my cousins have still suffered?

If given a chance that I can ask God one question, I would like to ask how he weigh things out in this world. It's just like this phrase in one of the newspaper ad I've seen, howcome the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer? But instead of asking about this, I began to realize that we shouldn't be asking Him and instead we should ask ourselves how strong is our faith in Him. Life on earth weren't made to be easy as nothing is permanent on this world for us to fully embrace.

BCK 2 BKK, BCK 2 1

Finally a looong 6 days vacation! 3rd time already here in Bangkok and I'm still getting the same hype and affection towards the place. Prolly because of the cheap things, hospitable people and ofcourse, thai food! Another good thing about this place is that you don't have to adjust that much as it looks almost the same as my country. Well except for the language which is kinda challenging by the way as not all can understand english. Nevertheless, it's way better than Manila. I guess their government is less corrupt than us that's why you can see a good progression. Now why did I say less corrupt? Well I don't believe that there is a clean, non-corrupted government. Imagine, why would a politician spend millions of money during an election campaign if they won't get any greater favor back in return right? This is one of the many good reason why I'm not updated or rather not interested in knowing what's happening to my country politically speaking as I just find it as a major BS. It's enough for me to know that they're stealing some of my money making tax as an alibi during my monthly salary. That's why as much as I want to check my pay slip to know the details of what I got, I'd rather not for it will just make me feel bad. I just wish that Filipinos should realize that we used to be ahead of other Asian countries but now I just can't figure where we are now.

The first time I landed in Bangkok, I already fell in love with it. Not just because of the good things I've mentioned. But also, that's the time when I was longing to see someone in that place. We normally remember someone through a song or a significant perfume we smell. But everything about the lovely things in Bangkok always lands me directly to his heart. I fucked up and died. But that's the time I realized what I really want. Feeding ourselves with the things that we think we want would open our eyes on the one thing we really want to our life. Chances are the risk worth taking. I just wish that this third time could land me back to him....

Starbucks University

Trying to spend my "ME" time at a local mall, I was planning to kill time and relax at a coffee shop but when I went to Starbucks it seems like I was inside a campus as the ambiance is not as calm as a coffee shop should have. All the tables were occupied by laptops and books more than what they have ordered so I end up doing it at a doughnut shop leaving me no choice but to think if these students can really concentrate in this kind of surroundings. Seriously, may I ask who started making Starbucks, CBTL and the likes to be an extension of their study room? Isn't it more peaceful to study in your own room where no visual entities can distrub you and the only noise you can hear is your own breathe? Or maybe at a public library? For what is worth, I wish them all the luck in pursuing their degree. 

If there is one thing in my life that I don't want to go back again, it's the part where I was a student and trying to mold myself into the career that I want. Simply because, the thought of studying, writing on columnar books and ledgers plus the terror professors can really put a big stress out of your youthfulness. Seriously, I think I look younger now as compared when I was in college. Being a student, it's not just all about trying to pass all your exams. You also have to find some friends who will be your allies. A lover who can be your inspiration instead rather than a bad influence. A worthy leisure that can destress you with the limited allowance that you have. And honestly, for the record, I graduated not because I know the elements of Accountancy that well, but rather I just use all my possible resources back then. I may not be that smart, but I'm wise enough to get myself acquainted with talented people who act as a pillar of the bridge for me to get my diploma. 

If there's one thing I'm thankful that I've learned during those years, it's the ability to interact with people... Even after you graduate, having a good PR can open a lot of path for you. What's the sense of having high grades when you can't speak up during an interview? How can you get hired if you don't know how to tackle a witty question? Keep in mind that not all who are in the managerial position knows everything about the work proper but they're just good in manging their subordinates. And most of the horrible bosses are the ones who just rely on what the books have taught them and lacking themselves with people skills. So for all the students out there, don't just rely on what your books are telling you. But you also have to discover what other things you are capable of in order to progress as a good individual. At the end of the day, trust me, having a high IQ is not as good as having enough EQ.

Dad, I'm Gay

DISCLAIMER: To those who are homophobic… don’t even try reading this!

 

Stupid are those who deny the existence of Gays and Lesbians. Or the parents who’re saying to their children that they would rather prefer their child to be a drug addict than to be gay. Seriously, they really don’t know what they’re doing. For me, God really made this or gave this to human kind for a lot of reason. People who are “like me” are called the Libra of the society. We create and maintain the balance of life. If you’re going to notice, nowadays, most of the good looking men and women are the ones who turned gay. According to my personal theory, this is to maintain population control. It may sound really funny but seriously, if all the gorgeous people were straight then prolly it will be raining babies all over the place and poverty will be like an oxygen that we breathe for the whole time that we are living on this earth. Another good reason why “we” subsist is to prove that we are all made equal. Gays can show that whatever your sexuality is, you can excel in every aspect in life for as long as we have the right drive and determination. Enough about the Men over powering Women or Husbands should act as a slave for their Wives.

 

It’s really a wishful thinking trying to remove this stigma about gays/lesbians from the society. I do understand that we still have people around us who’re treating this sexuality as an abnormality or like a skin disease. And to some parents who doesn’t get why their child ended being gay, why not try asking your own genes instead?! On the contrary, I’m not in favor of putting an organization or go on a rally to fight for the rights of Gays and Lesbians. I mean, what kind of right are you trying to fight for? The right to legally suck a d*ck? We can also not blame why other people hated us. Sometimes, we put our own target board to our head why others try to keep shooting on us. We ourselves, mold this thing called reputation that we want others to see from us. So better mold it right if you want to earn others’ respect. And straight  people are not excluded in this rule. It’s just that for “us”, we should put twice the effort as compare to them for the sake of continuously proving that we are equal.

 

Another thing that a gay would consider as his greatest battle is to either hide his true sexuality or to admit it to the world. This is such a dilemma as you may never know what would be the outcome of both circumstances. It is really hard to keep it hidden inside your closet. The guilt of pretending and lying will chase you like a ghost. Because of the things you would consider like if you’re the only guy in your family, or your parents might dishonor you once they find out will keep you a closet queen. Having the guts to admit it doesn’t always take home the bacon. Most cases, it will just hurt the people you love. Lucky are the ones who gets the crown of acceptance in admitting their sexuality.

 

I remember the time I admit it to my family. That was when my dad borrowed my PS2 and I forgot to eject a gay porn inside it. When my dad finally discovered it, he immediately texted me wanting me to explain about it. I kept quiet. And he keep on ringing my phone. And again, I remained mute. But when he finally texted asking why didn’t I tell him and that he looked so stupid all the while, I replied. I said, it’s not that I don’t want to tell him, I just don’t want to talk about it. And that’s the time that he kept his own silence… and in less than an hour, he replied “It’s ok, I love you”… … …

Badlentine’s Day

I’m writing this post just to trash my thoughts in this Valentines celebration. Valentine’s day is just a date to express or rather exaggerate in showing how we love someone. But why wait for this day when you can do it in any day you want?

People who are single are treating this day as a one day stigma on their annual lives. Which shouldn’t be the case. Just because you are single doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy this celebration. Valentine’s day aren’t really made for couples. Well couples may have an easy pass on who can they celebrate it but for the ones who are single, we can use this day to show your gratitude to someone like your friends, parents or closest relatives. Erase the negative thought of envying couples you see who’re both wearing red on this day and stop wearing something black for yourself.

For couples, this day can put a big pressure and a lot of expectation for lovers. It’s the exact same polarity of being single but having the same wave lengths in terms of making it through this day. The hassle to book a nice restaurants or the best seat to a concert or even to cinemas. The extra present you would be thinking aside from the little things you give or do during your monthsaries. Talking about financial matters, this is no joke at all. But on a different note, always think that  it’s the thought that still counts. Always, remember, this is just a date. If all fails during this day, doesn’t mean it’s the end of your relationship with your partner.

Different pressures around the air before or during this day can turn Valentines into Bad-lentines. But whatever it is that’s adding the tense on it, it’s just a state of mind. This is just one of the many crazy celebrations that humans created for us to loosen up ourselves from our boring lives. And to give more reason for us to spend our money.

Talk About Love

When I was younger, I used to be the hopeless romantic type of guy who loves to write love letters and make some full of effort artsy gifts to my love ones. I always made sure that my present will be surprisingly different and unexpectedly delightful. It’s not necessarily costly, well also because I don’t have much money back then. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t spend too much on my gifts that’s why I will just unleash the Picasso in me or is it because I’m just too in love to be so inspired to do something special. Well it can be both I guess.

Young love, so vividly pure and intense. The initiation of the heart. This is the start of all the “first time”. First love, first kiss, first heartache, first sex and the first time you will break someone’s heart. This is the moment of our lives that can make a big mark to us that we will carry until we grow old. This is also the time where the heart is so careless and wild that our mind has no control of it. It’s because of the things we have never felt before when we are just kids trying to just love our parents and all we do is to just study our lessons at school. A suppressed or untapped emotion that’s starting to get out inside us as we approach our teen years. I can still remember all my first time in terms of love. Looking back at those moments, I can say how stupidly in love I was back then. But thanks to all those things that hurt and made a callous to my heart which made me a stronger person now. But there’s also a part of me who will forever appreciate my stupidity before which I think I might not ever do again.

Does it comes with the age of a person on how he/she treat him/herself being in love? No, because I know a lot of people who were already at their middle years, but still manage to do the teeny bopper kind of love affair. I guess, it’s how you will nourish the love in you. For me, love will always be immature and has no mind of its own. And we, as the owner of it is responsible for all the things it will feel for us. Love is ageless and it’s the mind that grows old and learns how to manipulate our heart. The heart is so pure that only our mind can remind it the marks of its wounds. The best way to balance the heart between our mind is to stop thinking about the “Heart over Mind” or “Mind over Heart” kind of label or judgment that we usually bestow on us or to other people as both things should work cooperatively.

Love is like religion. Too many things to believe in that we should be respecting. Reminiscing the love back then and now can make us realize a lot of things about life and love. And for me, love can wait. We should not let ourselves revolve around it but it should be the other way around. As there are other things in life which will help love to grow in us in the long run that we should also be attending.

Great Pretenders

Among the people around you, not excluding if they’re blood related or you consider close to you, my personal statistic is that half or more than half of them are great pretenders. If you think that Shape Shifters are just a mythical creature, then I can prove you wrong. These are the people who knows how to smile at you while doing/saying something unpleasant about you at the back of your head. At first, it’s really quite hard for me to identify the people who are true and who are microwaveable plastics. But once you get used to it, with all the disappointments and the regrets of trusting them, I can even identify how they smell like...

I do have some theories after analyzing why this kind of trait exists in us. And I don’t want to be a hypocrite, and yes, I do admit that I  myself can top notch the role of pretending. So why do we do this when we all know that honesty is the best policy? First, we tend to  pretend for the sake of not causing too much damage. Sometimes we have to do this to hold back what we really feel in order not to hurt someone. One best safe example I can think of is when you’re in a meeting with all your colleagues and your boss. Even if you don’t like some of the people around you inside that room or even your boss, you just pretend that you’re ok and put the fake smiles just to cover up what you feel.  This is necessary as we are just trying to be in a professional manner specially if the discussion is purely work related. Some people who are too submissive are also good in pretending. Maybe because it’s easier for them to just get along with the situation rather than saying what they really feel for the reason that it’s either they hate arguments or they’re just lame to forecast a possible debate out of it.

The last thing I can think of why some are fond of this plastic attitude is due to power tripping. Just for the purpose of fooling someone and set this up as a good laughing conversation with their friends can make them feel quite superior sometimes. Very high school-ish huh?! But seriously, it has no age limit. Just a level of maturity I guess. Or also, if a person would just want to gather some good facts about you, that they can squeal out which can turn into a major gossip. I really find it so stupid that such filthy low-life creature exists. Whenever you will encounter such people, just try not to stoop down on their level and just have this thought that maybe they’re not satisfied with their fucked up lives or they’re not happy with their childhood etc.

The pros and cons of pretending. In some way, it can really help ease the situation but can we treat this as a good practice? Maybe it depends. But considering the law of life, pretending is somewhat lying. Like even if it’s a white lie, it is still a lie…

Stuck in a Moment

After all the wrong or right decisions we’ve made, we tend to get numb on what is really wrong and what is right. Because we will end up asking ourselves if what we did is what we really should do. Consider this numb stage like as if you’re in a quicksand. The more you move, the more it devours you. And the more it pulls you down, the more you won’t find a resolve on it. I know some of you can get what I mean as you’ve also experienced the feeling of being stuck in a moment.

The moment of being neutral. The state of oneself where there is no good nor bad due to the confusion that still lingers in you after all that has happened. It’s like you don’t want to move nor do anything and just want to stay in your comfort zone for a while. This is a normal reaction and I guess this is better than letting yourself get traumatized which is more difficult to deal with. This is where you feel ok but not totally alright. Just letting all things around you come and go. Subtle emotion that doesn’t entertain too much happiness and sadness. It may sound insensitive, well, yes it is but it’s better to look that way than to be so lost and tormented.

To be honest, it may look like it’s quite easy to maneuver our life since we’re not doing anything to close the book, but it’s not. Well, escaping and not facing the real deal is, but bearing in mind that you’re just stuck in a moment means you’re not running away from anything or anyone. You just don't know the answer yet. And since you don’t know what to do, you might do things that would unintentionally hurt others, worse are the ones close to you. And we’re not just lame and lazy to clear everything but it’s just that we really don’t know how to solve it for now. And yes, others may see it as you’re being unfair of keeping them hanging with you but seriously, the answer hasn’t been born yet to set a bright light on the situation. So why put a verdict if it will just worsen things out?

If you don’t know what to do, then don’t do anything at all. Keep your cool and probably be selfish for now not minding the pressure around you until you find answers and set your plans. Try not to think too much and just try to live. For there will come a time that you will see the silver lining that will be your grace in this labyrinth situation.

Finding Destiny

Lucky are the ones who've already found their destined partner. Or the ones who didn’t had the hard time to find them. On the second thought, was there anyone who were lucky enough to easily accomplished it? Just today, I received a wedding invitation from this couple who’re giving their utmost appreciation to me. It’s because I’m the reason why they end up with each other. I don’t know why I have this hobby of being a cupid and do the match making to the extent that some of my friends are already calling me a pimp. But you see, I’m really really good at it! Now, going back to my trash, I’ve realized that these couple didn’t had a hard time to find each other because an angel (ahem!) helped them to be together and their now getting married. So should I consider them as the lucky ones in finding their destiny effortlessly? I still believe in the balance of nature. Prolly they had an instant access to be together but they might have their ups and downs before they ended up deciding to get married.

How do we measure destiny? How can we say that we are destined to this someone? Time plays a major role to this and a lot of trial and error and testing waters. I guess no one can really say it in an instant that we are meant to this person. A lot of symptoms should be felt before we can say to ourselves that this guy/girl might be the right one for us. Remember, there’s the word “might”. This is when we will realize that you and this person are in sync. A lot of similarities. You even start to like even his/her dark side and all the flaws. Or if symptoms persists, you’re already having this mushy things like you can see yourself getting old with this person and finally, considering him/her as your great love. This is what I called, aimed destiny. We locked down our target as we feel these symptoms towards them. But then again, “might”. So best piece of advice is to always have a back-up plan to pull yourself together if in case it didn’t worked out.

To some who doesn’t mind too much about who they were destined with, fate lurks subconsciously. Serendipity. It can be a familiar stranger you always see in different places randomly. It can also be a curse that will always lead you back to this person no matter what the circumstances may be. It’s like putting the both of you together like a mouse in a maze on two different direction but at the end of the day, you still end up meeting together. You can’t justify if it’s still love but there’s this strong connection that you can’t disband yourself despite of the walls and the distance between the both of you. Simply, you can’t just let go of this person for a reason you don’t know. Is this what you called a destiny that’s been nourished by fate?

Thinking about the right person for us doesn’t mean that we could end up with them living in a happily ever after. Thinking won’t lead you to anything. You better do something before it’s too late. You don’t want to sing Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away” whenever you will see or think about him/her right? It is also so depressing to think that not all people who were destined to each other end up being together. It’s what you called, reality. But hush now and don’t let it bring you down. Think about the good memories you’ve earned from this that will make you a better person for someone who’s prolly more suited for you.

Sense of Insensitivity

People were born equally. The only thing that varies us from one another is when we have already the awareness to realize the traits, characteristics or even the hereditary sickness we’ve inherited to our parents. We all have the will to choose who and what we want to be. Most behaviors were acquired due to memorable experience or trauma which can establish subconsciously our insensitivity. On a lighter note, I’m not talking about people who’re stupid that we think they’re insensitive. There’s a thick line between being a moron and trying not to feel anything.  

Being insensitive doesn’t always mean that it’s not a good thing. One example is the phrase “Love is Blind”. People who were in this kind of situation are happily insensitive. They don’t mind what their friends or their mothers negative opinions about their feeling for as long as they are amorously savoring the love they feel. Another example is being gay. Before an individual will gradually accept it, at first they will think that it’s biblically wrong and it’s unacceptable to our society. It’s wrong but it feels so right. Hence, being insensitive will play a big part for your freedom. Accepting your sexuality could mean that you have to be numb on what others will or might throw at you.

Judging a person that he/she is insensitive is off beam. I mean, I don’t think no one could live like that for the rest of his/her life. Sometimes, we only need to be insensitive to cover the pain, our secrets, or what our true current situation is really like. Consider it as a cocktail dress or a coat and tie which you occasionally wear just to look fine in an event. A good cover up. These people who’re good to be insensitive are the most sensitive persons. Inculcating this condition is not that easy just to diminish the pain we’re trying to endure or rather the pain we are dealing to someone. Taking this risk relentlessly, can you imagine the guilt that could backfire at them once they remove the mask of insensitivity? It’s an instant truce that you can acquire which will give you more time to think things solemnly. A space that could save you from the curse of being jaded.

Expect that even the closest one to your heart might not understand you if you turn on this switch. And it might be really hard for you to explain why you have to do this but I guess it’s alright. Words can usually translate on what we think but not the ones we feel. Wearing an adamant skin should have a limit. And just make sure you have a valid reason in doing this.

2012

I don’t know if you’re aware but most people have predicted that this year will be the end of the world or rather a big change will occur based on the Mayan prophecy. We’ve all heard these doomsday predictions before, we’re still here, and the planet is still here, why is 2012 so important? Well, the Mayan calendar stops at the end of the year 2012, churning up all sorts of religious, scientific, astrological and historic reasons why this calendar foretells the end of life as we know it. The Mayan Prophecy is gaining strength and appears to be worrying people in all areas of society. I’m pretty not sure what would be next if we got over this year and nothing happened as we’ve already passed by Nostradamus’ premonition, the Y2K bug thing and the likes.

Why do some people were so into the “End of the World”? In fact, a lot of films, songs, tv series and different kinds of literature were inspired by this idea. Do they really want to meet their end? Then don’t include the world which includes me! Ok, back up corny humor… (ugh). But on a serious note, even though nobody has any clue how this will look like, we normally use this terminology when we’re broken hearted, or down with different aspects in our lives. Which really made me think if the End of the World is really that bad…

Instead of getting worried if ever I will experience meeting the end of our planet, I’m more curious what’s gonna happen next after this? What lies ahead? Who will end it? And how will it be ended? People were born and died having this kind of thought too. But what if it’s not true at all? Best piece of advice is to not invest too much of your brain cells on this idea. I mean it’s enough to have an itch of your curiosity out of this but I don’t see the sense of investing time to find out when this will really happen. The more we worry about it, the less we’re living our life to the fullest.